The general trend in North America is definitely families having fewer and fewer children. I've written about how "the world is built for families of four". Birth rates are dropping at alarming rates in Canada and in my province specifically they're so low that the government is desperately offering perks to would-be parents to entice procreation. For people like me, this is great news. $7/day daycares, government subsidies left, right, and center, "baby bonuses" are very well received. But the population still continues to droop and immigration is one of Canada's only hopes for population increase. But then there's the Christian families. Golllllllllllly, we seem to want a lot of kids, eh?
I can't help but notice that every young Christian couple I've talked to recently wants "four kids, for sure!" and that it's becoming very rare to hear of a Christian family with just one or two kids. Personally, I'd love five kids (and for the final two to join us via adoption) but I think four is more realistic. The majority of my Christian friends also want four kids.
Is anyone else noticing this trend? Or is it just in my circles?
I wonder, do Christian families who don't want four kids (or large families) feel isolated or judged?
Is there pressure in the church to have larger families? I've never felt or seen that pressure, but again, is that just in my community?
If you don't want a large family, what are your reasons?
If you want a large family, what are yours?
I'd love to hear your thoughts!
ps - controversial issue: family planning, affordable car for a family of 5, economics of a growing family,
I can't help but notice that every young Christian couple I've talked to recently wants "four kids, for sure!" and that it's becoming very rare to hear of a Christian family with just one or two kids. Personally, I'd love five kids (and for the final two to join us via adoption) but I think four is more realistic. The majority of my Christian friends also want four kids.
Is anyone else noticing this trend? Or is it just in my circles?
I wonder, do Christian families who don't want four kids (or large families) feel isolated or judged?
Is there pressure in the church to have larger families? I've never felt or seen that pressure, but again, is that just in my community?
If you don't want a large family, what are your reasons?
If you want a large family, what are yours?
I'd love to hear your thoughts!
ps - controversial issue: family planning, affordable car for a family of 5, economics of a growing family,
As a kidless Ally, I can't really speak much from experience, but I personally think that the world is "made for families with even numbers" and I definitely think whenever I do settle down and have kids, I would have either 2 or 4. Definitely not 3 - I think from experience, 3 people for anything can cause riffs, with children or adults. Maybe the desire to have large families is there, but people don't want an odd number of children?
ReplyDeleteGood point! Even numbers mean no one rides the roller coaster alone!
DeleteHey Em! Love this post! I actually want 3 kids of my own (the hubs still isn't 100% convinced yet though, haha). But that being said, I am very open to more or less than that, whatever God would have. We've also been looking in to being foster parents, and we hope that in years to come, as God provides space and resources, we'll be able to open our home to kids who need a place to stay. I'm not completely sure why the trent for Christian families is to want 4 kids, but I know my reasons are because we are told to make disciples, and I see raising kiddos as a really cool opportunity to do that. Especially with fostering, when kids' living situations are so transient, I know that the love of Christ is something they will remember for years to come.
ReplyDeleteOn a side note, both my parents were saved as a result of staying with Christian families. They had parents that weren't believers, but both of them would go visit these other families for summers when they were kids/teens, and it was through their testimony that God worked to save them. And I was led to salvation in part by my parents' lives. Because of this, I want to do the same, if possible, and let my life be a testimony to my kids and their friends and anyone who walks through my door.
We're both your parents in foster care Hannah? What a legacy! Love it.
DeleteHi Em!
DeleteSorry I wasn't clear - both my parents lived with their respective moms, but during the summers Christian families would open up their homes for them to just stay with them, for a change of scene. Their moms were not believers. :)
Interesting question. I don't know if I've noticed the 4 kids phenomenon, as most of my Christian friends have two kids so far, though some will likely have more in the future. I do find there is a lot of pressure in the church to have children. As in, people who've never even met my husband will come up to me on a Sunday and ask when we're going to have a baby. As in, after a co-worker announced her pregnancy, another colleague at the church where I work came up to me, put her hand on my belly, and asked when it would be me. Since we are trying and haven't been successful yet, I find this really difficult, but I digress. This kind of thing rarely happens with my secular friends or family.
ReplyDeleteI get it that as Christians, we should be less prone to make choices based on selfish motives and money, so it makes sense that we might want more children. I would have loved to have 4 kids, but as I've just turned 33, it's unlikely that we will have enough time to have any more than 3.
I am planning on writing a post about this once the fatigue/morning sickness subsides. But I am really struggling right now because I have always SAID I want four kids, or even more. To the point of almost judging people with smaller families (eek, how horrible!!)
ReplyDeleteNow that I am pregnant with my second I am VERY much considering being done. I notice also a trend of people saying (like myself) that they want a huge family, and then once it comes down to actually having them....deciding they're done after 2 or 3. So I think sometimes you need to take the number of kids people SAY they're going to have with a grain of salt, and actually look at the families that have been there, done that.
I would also say that considering having "only" (I hate that phrase now) two kids is causing me guilt and anxiety. I feel like I'm falling short by having a smaller family, but I am really evaulting my heart and this and realizing that I totally idolize big mega families. The reality for me though is, would I rather shepherd two hearts well...or be completely full of anxiety and stress with a larger family? Knowing what I know about myself, my parenting skills, etc, I think I personally would be better off with a smaller family.
anyway, that's my two cents. I also recognizie I could change my mind as I get older and my kids get older. I'm turning 24 next month, so I could technically wait until my children are in school full-time and still be in my 20's and have another.
This is exactly what I was getting at!
DeleteIs there guilt when Christians decide to have two or fewer children? I've wondered. I have a hunch that your experience (being done after two or wanting fewer kids than originally) is very common in all circles but especially Christian ones.
For you being in the middle of a pregnancy I'd say no one would blame you if you didn't want to go through it again! It's nice that you are so young so there's no rush to decide. After our second we certainly didn't get pregnant right away like we did the first time! We didn't even feel the urge until he was well over a year.
I wonder if the guilt is mostly from within and not from others? I recall you citing Michelle Dugar as an inspiration so you may feel like you're falling short of the standard you set or from the women you look up to.
I know MANY families who wanted four and stopped at three and some who would have had more than two but who stopped bc of advanced maternal age. So there are lots of unique reasons people don't have as many as they set out to! No guilt necessary :-)
I'm currently pregnant with my first child, and just like you said... hoping to have 4! For my husband and me, it stems from the fact that each of us has four kids in our own families and both loved having siblings. Also, you're right. The world is build for families of four. I agree with your previous commenter. I think that if I had rough pregnancies, or tough infants, and decided to stop having children after 1, 2, or even 3 that I would struggle with guilt of my own.
ReplyDeleteI have two, and that number changed over the years. I wanted 4 for the longest time, then when I got married we'd agreed on 3. Now we've decided that we are done at two. There are days where I'd love a 3rd, but I know that I want one for all the wrong reasons. For us, it has to do with our age, where we are financially, but also the stress factor. My youngest has been an absolutely terrible sleeper, and just the busyness that comes along with kids as well as the exhaustion, we think that we'll be a much happier, healthier family with just two kids.
ReplyDeleteI don't know that I feel guilty about changing my mind, but I do sometimes feel that I'm under-performing.... many people have larger families, and one of the biggest reasons I don't want more than two is because of the added stress each additional child brings. So when I hear others asking if we're having a third and I tell them no, I feel a bit weak in that it's almost like I'm saying I can't handle another one. When it's not that at all. I'm just choosing fewer children, knowing that I will be a more pleasant, engaged, joyful mother. I'm miserable when I'm tired!
Renee, great comment!
DeleteI love your perspective. It's well and good to want or dream of having many children, but you need to make the choice of how you can be the best mother to them, and if that means stopping at two, it's the smartest thing! In no way does it make you weak, in fact it takes a strong woman to make a decision against what she's said she was going to do! You're a wise mama! I've made other parenting decisions with the same logic - for me it was deciding to stop breastfeeding for the same reasons you cited!
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DeleteThanks for commenting Loretta.
DeleteThat's a real shame that you've felt judgement and exclusion in the church based on being a working mother with two children. I am saddened that moms like you have to fear this based on your decisions. Please know that as a SAHM of three, I don't feel that way! I have many friends who are working mothers (and I was raised by one!) and love them and think they're fantastic parents.
It's funny, in my church, I'm the only stay at home mom! Granted it's a very small church, but it's in the city where many more women work after having children than the suburbs and small towns. I never feel they judge me for staying home though outside the church I have felt judgement from secular moms for not working. Total opposite of you!
Thank you, Emily. I completely understand that there is so much judgement sent the way of SAHMs. I love SAHMs. I think it's wonderful what you do for your family. I realize how amazing and sacrificial it is, so I hope that you experience more acceptance in the future.
DeleteI probably shouldn't have commented, as I now read it as being pretty opinionated. I really just want mothers to support other mothers regardless of their choices. If 4 kids is the new norm, then bring it on. It's wonderful. If staying home with those kids is the right choice for any of these families, then I think that's wonderful too. I just am meeting fewer and fewer women who are like me and it's just hard to find a sense of belonging in the church when you feel like the judged minority for not wanting a large family and for working outside of the home.
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I've always wanted 5! Haha, but we will see if that happens. :)
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