I've been married for almost five years and have two sets of in-laws. I also have siblings-in-law on both sides, plus step-siblings-in-law on both sides. The in-law family is quite large for me! And it took some getting used to.
As I type this, Brad is skyping with his Mom and her husband and it's warming my heart to hear their interactions. They love our kids so much and have been so supportive of us, especially as of late. Like any relationship, I think in-law relationships (and maybe even more than any other relationship) take time to build and cultivate.
When Brad and I were dating, our whole relationship was long-distance and took place while I was away from home at university and he was working in downtown Montreal. Basically neither of us were near our families during our whole courtship, and we spent little time getting to know our future in-laws before getting engaged and married. So it's been mainly in the last five years of marriage that we've been getting to our each other's respective parents and families. Which is a lot of work, when you STILL don't live anywhere close to them!
Brad and I both agree that this year has been far and away THE BEST year for our relationships with our in-laws. He's grown closer to my family and I've grown closer to his. But it's taken time and a lot of adjustment. After all, we spent 20something years with our own families and inherited each other's families by saying "I do".
And this is big. This year I officially started calling Brad's mom, Mom, and Brad's dad, Dad. (!!!)
It took me a long time to get there, because part of me felt torn to share the title with my own parents, and part of me felt like I needed to get to know them better before I went there. But I know it meant a lot to them, and my heart was also telling me, it's time. they ARE your parents too. do it.
As I type this, Brad is skyping with his Mom and her husband and it's warming my heart to hear their interactions. They love our kids so much and have been so supportive of us, especially as of late. Like any relationship, I think in-law relationships (and maybe even more than any other relationship) take time to build and cultivate.
When Brad and I were dating, our whole relationship was long-distance and took place while I was away from home at university and he was working in downtown Montreal. Basically neither of us were near our families during our whole courtship, and we spent little time getting to know our future in-laws before getting engaged and married. So it's been mainly in the last five years of marriage that we've been getting to our each other's respective parents and families. Which is a lot of work, when you STILL don't live anywhere close to them!
Brad and I both agree that this year has been far and away THE BEST year for our relationships with our in-laws. He's grown closer to my family and I've grown closer to his. But it's taken time and a lot of adjustment. After all, we spent 20something years with our own families and inherited each other's families by saying "I do".
And this is big. This year I officially started calling Brad's mom, Mom, and Brad's dad, Dad. (!!!)
It took me a long time to get there, because part of me felt torn to share the title with my own parents, and part of me felt like I needed to get to know them better before I went there. But I know it meant a lot to them, and my heart was also telling me, it's time. they ARE your parents too. do it.
I'd love to hear how it works on your side!
What do you call your in-laws?
When did you start calling them that?
How is your relationship with them?
Hey Emily,
ReplyDeleteDave and I have a little different situation because we dated 5+ years before getting married and lived minutes from each other. (And I was young - my sister and brother were 7 & 9 when I started dating Dave.. so he has always been their big brother). Even though we were at separate schools we've known each others families for years! We call them mom & dad. Dave was calling my mom, 'mom' before we were even married. IT took me a little longer. I am REALLY close to my parents and wasn;t sure I wanted to share the title. It took me about 6 months, and then it was them telling me that I COULD call them mom & dad if I wanted, before I started. When we have functions all together though (ie. with both sets of parents) - they still get their first names. I know it's wierd, but I don't like calling them mom & dad infront of my parents.
It's a change for anyone I think.
That would be weird having all the parents in the same room! I'm not sure what I'd call my in-laws then in that case - probably their first names. But I doubt it will ever happen. It only did once at our wedding!
DeleteYeah my parents are friends with my in-laws. When my mom babysits my mil will drop by just to have coffee with her and break up the day. And I see my inlaws every day (twice a day) as we work with them in the barn.
Deletewow, how nice!
DeleteI've been married for 2.5 years and have starting talking to my mother-in-law more regularly in the past 6 months. We've only seen each other face to face twice since our wedding, but each time gets more comfortable. I don't call her mom since my husband doesn't even call her mom. But I did refer to his grandma as Grandma and she was so excited. She's called a few times now that I'm pregnant and I think that will only increase with his family :)
ReplyDeleteYa, I think following your husband's cues is key. Brad had two step-parents (since both of his parents remarried after their divorce)and we obviously call them both by their first names
DeleteI call my in-laws by their first names.
ReplyDeleteI still call my in-laws by their first names! I think it will take me a long time to call them mom and dad. We have an amazing relationship-I actually lived with them for about a year before I married their son while he lived an hour away! That made for plenty of "getting to know them" time! They love the Lord and were such a blessing to me even before my husband and I were engaged! They are like parents to me already-I love them very much!
ReplyDeleteOoh, good question. I call my mother-in-law by her first name. We didn't meet until 3 days before my wedding and we rarely speak on the phone (it's a 12-hour time difference). I've never met my father-in-law at all, but will probably call him whatever I'm told to call him. I can't imagine calling my in-laws Mom and Dad, mostly because my step-mom has been a second mother to me for 20 years and I still call her by her first name, so it would seem weird to call her Shelley and my mom-in-law Mom. My in-laws are Chinese though, so if I were to switch from first names, I could probably use Popo and Gonggong, which I believe are the correct titles (in Mandarin) for your husband's parents.
ReplyDeleteI'm really close to my mother-in-law, but it has never occurred to me to call her Mom, and she has never broached the subject. I do think my Mom would be really irritated though if I did start calling her Mom, and out of respect of my amazing mom who has sacrificed a TON to raise me, I don't think I'd ever go there. Also, since my MIL has never asked me to call her Mom, I don't really think it's an issue for her.
ReplyDeleteI'm also close to my FIL, but I have an awkward thing with older father figures since I don't have a father myself. We have a comfortable distance where I don't talk about super personal things, but we do discuss issues of mutual interest and I think he's a wonderful father and I admire him very much. But I'd never call him Dad because that would never be comfortable for me.
Now that we have a kiddo though, we almost always call our parents by the name that Pen will call them (for my mom it's Nanna, and Dan's parents are Gammy and Grandpa). I know that they all LOVE that, since Pen is a huge blessing and love in their lives.
oh, and I noticed you call your brother in laws your "brothers"..I also do this with my sister (sister in law). I think this is easier to do, especially when you don't have either a brother or a sister (like how you don't have brothers..so they are your brothers). Same way, I don't have sisters. However, if I did have a sister I would probably call Allie my SIL, because my sisters would be annoyed. I don't know if that makes any sense.
Deletetrue, I don't have any biological brothers, so maybe that's why it's been so easy to call my step brother-in-law, brothers-in-law on Brad's side, and brother-in-law on my side (lisa's husband) "brothers". My first step was calling them their grandparent names that Lily would call them. That was when she was born, and it felt like a leap at the time but it led to me calling them Mom and Dad eventually!
DeleteOh my goodness, this blog made me giggle when I saw it. My fiance' and I were just talking about this the other day & has been a big topic of discussion lately as our wedding is fastly approaching. I have to sets of in-laws just as you do. I felt as I totally could relate to you as in we really haven't had time over the past 2 years to really get to know each other and build a relationship. However, I am so blessed his step mom & dad has put so much effort to helping us over the past few months. His step mom has even invited me to run 5ks with her an activity we both enjoy! :) I am not sure what I will call his parents. However, I already call his only grandma, grandma! She always has put so much time and effort and love into getting to know me!
ReplyDeleteI do know what my dad has up his sleeve. He has already informed me he would like Justin to call him and my mom, dad and mom! He is planning on telling Justin on the wedding day.
All in all, I believe its good to have the discussion out on the table & know what the in-laws want and or comfortable with. :) Thanks for bringing up this awesome topic!
I call my in-laws by their first names. I just can't imagine calling any woman "Mom" other than my own Mom who raised me and, because my Dad passed away 2 years ago, calling another man "Dad" is definitely NOT something I'm comfortable with right now. I admire people who do the Mom/Dad thing with their in-laws, but I just don't think it's for me ... at least, not at this point in my life. Maybe one day I'll get there but for now I think we're all pretty comfortable with first names being used.
ReplyDeleteGreat question and interesting to read all the responses. My husband doesn't have a super great relationship with his mom so though he calls her mom I've never felt comfortable doing that. So I call her and her husband by their first names. He and his dad are much closer though as am I so he gets "Pops". I have such a close relationship with my parents that I could never imagine calling any one else mom and dad since that feels like an honoured titled that they have earned. My husband is extremely close with my family though so he has made pet names for my parents "mumzy and rickey" which they love.
ReplyDeleteWhen I got married I avoided calling my MIL mom. I knew she expected me to call her that but I was not comfortable doing so at first and she was understanding. Throughout the 1st year of marriage though, as my relationship with my in-laws grew, I became more and more comfortable with the idea and eventually started to refer to them as mom and dad. Now it is like second nature to call them that. I don't even think about it anymore. My husband and I have lived with my parents for a few months and then with his parents for a few years so our relationships have matured a lot with them since we've been married. I think you just have to do what makes you comfortable.
ReplyDeleteOne thing I'd like to mention, because I've seen it in a lot of posts is this idea that we could never call someone else "Mom" or "Dad" out of respect for our biological parents who raised us. I don't think that's a fair reason, unless our biological parents have expressed that they'd feel that way. In calling my mother-in-law "Mom" I'm in no way disregarding my own Mother or thinking less of what she's done for me. I'm thinking MUCH of marriage and the covenant between me and my husband and the ramifications that marriage brings. If Brad and I are indeed one flesh then his parents and my parents.
ReplyDeleteNow, I'm not saying you HAVE to call your in-laws Mom and Dad - not at all! I'm just cautioning against this notion that it's disrespectful to our biological parents. I think the key is to also ask the in-laws what they would like and serve them. My MIL wanted me to call her Mom for a long time and I waited until I was comfortable, but it was always her wish and part of me wishes I got over myself quicker to bless her sooner :)
Wow, I found this very interesting! Especially the comments! I've been married 3 months. I've known my husband for less than 2 years. I've been calling my in-laws Mom and Dad since we were engaged. It just happened naturally. Maybe because I hear him saying it a lot, or because my parents are 3 provinces away? I never thought anything of it though. My husband also calls my parents mom and dad, but that took a bit longer, probably because we see them & talk to them less often. My father-in-law also commented in his wedding speech that I had been calling him "Dad", and that it felt that I was part of the family already. Interesting topic - one that I have honestly not put much thought into until now!
ReplyDeleteI have a really good relationship with matts parents. I knew them for a long time just from growing up in the same church and then dating. That said I'm the last inlaw to come into the family and his parents had already decided they wanted us to call them by their names. It actually made me so sad since it doesn't feel as special or like family so I don't address them much or call them grandma and grandpa.
ReplyDeleteIn the Chinese culture, the wife refers to her in-laws as "lo ye" for father-in-law, and "lai lai" for mother-in-law, which translates to the equivalent ranking of referring to them as "grandpa" or "grandma". The reason for this is to lower oneself, so to speak, one generation/rank in order to show respect and honour to the parents of the man you have just married. Another way of viewing it would be to raise their rank to a grandparent level, even before any grandchildren are in the picture.
ReplyDeleteThis was explained to me by my parents before I got married to Josh, and my mother instructed me to use these formal terms out of respect for my future in-laws. My future in-laws told me ahead of time to just call them by their names. My husband sided with his parents and thought the formal terms were a little much. My mom insisted that I use the formal terms. She told me it would show the most respect for my in-laws and that even though everyone else was saying that wasn't important, my mother said it was. And I followed her wisdom, even though it felt really awkward, and have referred to my father-in-law as "lo ye" and my mother-in-law and "lai lai" for almost 10 years.
My mom was right. My in-laws weren't looking for that kind of respect, or honour, or even tradition from me, but because I gave it to them anyway, they appreciated it.
Interesting, eh? I've always found this dynamic fascinated.